drugs

By no means am I blaming football for my mental health problems. I have fond memories of playing sport and being part of a team/organisation. I was gifted with the ball and excelled on the pitch.

It was my father who ruined my experience. It was not enough for my father to simply appreciate that his son was capable of running, jumping and kicking a ball. He brought along a competitive spirit that was not only embarrassing but toxic.

I was skillful but I was not a naturally gifted athlete with any attributes that made me excel far beyond my years. I was playing in the year above and starting in the team but again this was not enough for my father who expected me to excel in the squad. I lacked in stature and athletic ability (speed mostly) and this would eventually lead to difficulties towards the end of my playing days.

If I ever get around to having kids, I will think long and hard before enrolling them in to a competitive sport / environment. The problem with competitive sport is it breeds a mindset based on results. The schooling system is also guilty of this. I would like this post to focus on the issue of sports although I also experienced major issues at school.

There is an argument for competitive sport but my overall consensus is it did me more harm than good. The need to be the best always critiquing how I played, never being satisfied and the game forever playing on my mind. For something that gave me very little it is very taxing on the psyche.

My team disbanded and I was forced to join a new team in a more difficult league for which I was not prepared. The game was no longer fun and became serious business with everyone trying to make it to the senior squad where money was involved.

It was a combination of life getting in the way of my dream of becoming a footballer and my own poor life choices. It takes a very strong willed individual to ignore the lights, girls & music and focus solely on the game. You need to be wiling to sacrifice for the sport. When I gave up on football, I started to experience identity issues as I felt the game made me who I was.

My dad only wanted the best for me, so when I started to act out and started to steal it was a shock to him and he didn't know how to handle my behaviour.

It wasn't until I stopped playing football and realised that the game had left me feeling empty and took a lot away from me. It also left me with a competitive streak that I sought to satisfy elsewhere. I felt deep sadness that my own stupid decisions had ruined my dream of becoming a footballer.

In my later years I have trouble agreeing to be part of a team, group or association. Football is not the sole reason for this but adds to my mental problems associated with gang mentality. It also brings out an us against them mentality which I don't want anything to do with. Keeping to myself has brought on its own challenges and I fight with negative emotions most of the time as I come to terms with who I am.

#self #Myself #Individual #Fear #solely #Responsible #scared #groups #people #Smoking #Drugs #Addiction #Drinking #gangs #ME #Sport #cutthroat #toxicmasculinity #goingout #lights #Music #Addiction #Depression #isolated #nobody #bymyself #Girls #Identity #competition #NotGoodEnough #best #First #winning #Success #failure #defeat #bottom #Fights #Life #Death #alone

I get very angry because I am frustrated at my own decisions. I beat myself up about the friends I kept and how they took advantage of me. I don't know why I am so angry when my mum is just trying to help. I think it's more to do with the fact I don't want these problems and I should never have to deal with them in the first place.

I kept bad company in my late teens and was getting into a lot of trouble. I need to remind myself that none of the decisions I made are my mothers fault - I need to start taking ownership of my own life. I was involved with the wrong crowd and I have to accept that nothing positive comes from that type of existence. I know it is difficult to come to terms with and I am deeply sorry for my decisions.

I want to stop getting angry at my mother and stop blaming her for all the negative events that were inevitably going to occur. I was not cut out for that life and my parents were trying to warn me before anything happened to me. Luckily I managed to survive without any major life changing events but I am left with the mental trauma that I am not equipped to deal with.

I need to stop getting angry and start living life on my terms. My time on this planet is not perfect and the decisions I make merely reflect an imperfect life.

#PTSD #anger #Depression #Sadness #Drugs #Addiction #Guilt #Friends #association #nobody #empty #assualt #Trauma #Pain #hurt #betrayal #lies #Truth #hate #End #time #Life #Happiness #dreams #Love #Positivity #Support #Love #Rage #control

#Anxiety #Selfharm #suicidal #done #Depression #Cutting #Dope #Drugs #pivitolpictures #Rage #MentalHealth #coping

I think we see pictures in our minds that make us accept where we are at and make it so that we do not do further damage.The Mentally Healthy are different, they keep their head up in bad seas and position themselves for the the waves to come. They foresee when a life event is shaping up to be something that can negatively impact their world. Then they use their intuition and lessons from a lifetime of lessons from infancy and personal experience to guard and protect their minds.

We don't do that. The situation hits us and we don't know what to do. So flight fight kicks in and here we go on a ride that won't end well.

We drop our heads and look at our feet and react from that defeated place. Eventually we calm down and move on, but I don't want it to last so long. I don't like losing my mind over something I have no control over.

I for one, don't have a picture of how I can be both in bad seas and have my head up planning a way out, so I am reaching out.

I know that a lot of us practice self harm to cope. At some point there is a picture that you are able to accept that lets you accept your lot in this life, mutilated body parts actively bleeding and all. Thats real life for some of us and I think there is a picture that comes up at the end of an episode that lets them move on.

You don't have to be as messed up as we are to weigh in. If you get it, show us the way of early catastrophe management.

I don't think that this turning point picture I am imagining makes one happy or anything like that, but it's a picture that is enough that we don't make things worse.

If I don't have a picture then I feel very exposed, unprotected, weak, and hide all that behind explosive anger. Righteous, but unbound. I regret my last episode. It was pure RAGE and while it was justified, it was not smart & I hate that feeling. Life got me, I just flew off the handle. Smart people don't do that. Mentally healthy people react in a way that suits the situation without making things worse. I want that and, as of today, I think it starts with the picture.

I want options. In this last event I saw what i have seen for years, a blank canvas. I am scared and don't know where to go with that so I came out swinging. Well, life swings back and I am not the best fighter if I am being totally honest. So here I type, literally searching the minds of the web for insight to create this picture my mind is seemingly incapable of making to date.

You can not show this shit to FaceBook - So here I am asking my fellow MENTAL HEALTH patients for a word picture or an image of what you see when you are in a bad way and your mind finally comes through for you.

Thanks.

PS - I would love if it if you read this and did not know what picture helped you transition from the bad space to the next level up. It's there for at least some of us so share your story of you have to go back there and figure it out. Even if it takes weeks it's worth the journey.

Alas, I have no red sparkled shoes to click this mad, warped world away and return to my regularly scheduled life.
My psychiatrist told me that the best way to get back to normal is to not focus on getting back to normal. Which sounds like decent advice. But I am reminded twice daily that I rely on an abundance of chemical assistance to sustain the illusion that normal is just three red heel clicks away.
So, how do I reconcile the methodological ritual of refilling my overflowing pill reminder box with the conflicting ideal of being normal? Why else do I stuff my face with six to ten pills at a time twice a day and chug them down with water meant for my toothbrush if it’s not to stay on this magic med road – while believing there is still, in fact, a normal to come back to?
Magic. Chemistry. Electricity. Pharmaceuticals. Mindfulnesses. Magic. I must believe in something, that somehow this treatment will heal my wounded mind, yet I feel like I am harbouring a cowardly lion.
My analytic brain is on overload, buzzing with excitement every time I make the smallest bit of progress. Find clarity; find synonyms; find any way to convey how it feels to be a passenger and not the conductor on my own train of thought.
The simple upkeep of loading up that week’s med box is intimidating, a harsh reminder of the fact that I am not ok. I do not have an average mind… but who wants to be average? I want my creativity back. I want my words back. I want the dreaded ’n-word: normal. Is there such a thing? Safe harbour in the storm of madness?
And so I keep counting out pills and taking meds, following this magical road in the desperation that it will lead me back to who I used to be. Or better yet, to who I am yet to become when the witches within burn and I come out safely on the other side.
I am so very, very ready for magic. Any time now, universe. That and I could use some really sweet red shoes.

This current breakdown has been especially hard because I have been craving doing really heavy drugs I’ve never tried before but I’m curious about. I have been fighting with my intrusive thoughts all day and it’s exhausting #Drugs #ChronicDepression

I TOOK AN EDIBLE 30 GM Took my meds and a muscle relaxer at same time. Never been so sick in entire life. Paranoia, dizziness, vomitting. Now in fear of everything. #mistake #Drugs #Drug #Paranoia #Drug #Paranoia #Fear #scared