heal

I have #Bipolar2 and #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder (suspected to more likely be #ComplexPTSD ) and I’m am tired, burnt out from life, utterly exhausted.
My last major mental health ‘breakdown’ was in 2016. Since then I made a dramatic recovery, held down a high pressure, high risk job for the last 6 years in a mental health inpatient service (that’s left me traumatised.) I have been coping immensely. I do alll the things they recommend for mental well-being. Read books upon books about it. I was about to embark on my degree to become a mental health nurse.
I’m sure some of you feel like managing your condition is your full time job and mine certainly feels that way.
I don’t want strategies or tips. I know what they are. I know what I ‘should be doing’ I’ve been doing it for 6 years.
I want permission to be broken. To be depleted. To just lie there with nothing left to give.
I feel like I can’t though. I am so ashamed of being ill again. I’m terrified the people I love who found me being sick last time all too much and cut me out of there life will do so again. After all, ‘it’s always darkest before the dawn’, ‘it won’t be like this forever’, ‘you’re stronger than you know’…, blah,blah blah. I get it. Giving up is probably selfish and unacceptable. Society tells us that it’s not ok to throw up our hands and lay down and curl up in a ball waiting for death. No, we must be ‘recovering’ we must be strong, it’s time to #heal (isn’t that the buzzword of the last couple of years.)
I know this is all very defeatist. I know that I should be grateful for what I have….and I sort of am ( or I feel I should be because not practicing gratitude is bad your mental health, don’t you know?!)
I don’t want people to ask me ‘what would you say to a friend in that situation.’ I know I would never say any of the horrible stuff I say to myself to anyone. I know I’m hard on myself (if I had a penny…)
I just do.not.have.the.energy.to.do.better.
The rational ‘wise’ part of my mind knows I don’t want to die. But god I wish for the peace and unburdened situation of the dead. No one expects anything from them. No, they get to ‘rest in peace’ which to me just feels like a luxury.
I don’t mean to be flippant about death. Grief is awful. I’ve had quite a few people in my life for recently (1 of them close, 3 less so, 2 of them suicides) and I know the people left behind suffer.
I just want someone to say ‘it’s ok, you can stop now, you can rest.’

I’m on a pretty low dose of 20mg cipralex but going up to 40mg I think it’s making me extra anxious. Hope it’s okay to talk about meds here.

Just wanted tips for when it first makes you extra anxious. Or your experience with meds.

If you feel comfortable sharing if you do take meds what dose you are on or what you find helps you even if you don’t take meds, but you don’t want to share that’s perfectly okay
Thanks Everyone #meds #Medication #Dose #dosage #heal #Pain #Hope #Advice #yourexperience #coping #Tips #tryingtobehopeful #adjustjng #change