Mourning

So to get this over with. My grandfather died from causes. I saw him suffer for a long time. I was upset then and I was even more upset now. My bad moods come in waves. One day I'm alright while other days I'm depressed. Even more of a curse, my grandparents live across the street do you know what that means? Constant reminders! My whole life is filled with them. The reminders hurt. Heck having to run errands for my still alive grandmother makes me upset. Birthdays and other family gatherings suck! Like there's a piece missing and your like "oh yeah" and feel like garbage! I get time heals but it's not healing fast enough! I want to heal sooner! I feel like it's getting worse. I feel lonely and I'm even as far as to not want to see family as they are this one huge reminder about what's making me depressed. I need support. #Grief #Anxiety #Autism #Depression #reminders #Death #Mourn #Mourning

#Depression #makeitstop #anger #Pain #Mourning #suicidalnotsuicidal #struggling

I've had depression almost as far back as I can remember. Wasn't diagnosed until after a parents suicide in my early 20s. I'm 45 now and have been struggling a lot the past year or so. honestly I really tired of being negative all time. I fell like I am bringing everyone else down with me. I've been having trouble controlling my anger too, something I'm not even sure where its coming from, sometimes its an obvious event, other times its just not being able to focus to send an email. I feel like everything is a struggle just to function 'normal' (event though there is no normal). I have never been one to shy away from telling others that I have depression and have always been an advocate to bring more awareness.

However this past year is taking its toll. Had to say goodbye to my dog/bestfriend/companion of 12 years years in June and I miss him more than anything. The fall/winter has always been the most most difficult time for me (there are about 8 friends/family members that have died in December alone (including my fathers suicide a week after his birthday); thanksgiving was the last time I saw/talked with him about 2 weeks prior to his death.

I'm scared of what the next couple of months will bring, who I will hurt, what property I may break. I do not have a positive outlook and can't see a future anymore. It's not really my pain I want to end, it's the pain i am causing to those around me that i need to stop

Everyone says to talk to someone, I feel like I have talked to so many therapists, counselors, friends , family , doctors and I still keep struggling. True some days are better/worse than others. I don't like to be around anyone anymore because I am that bump on a log around everyone, I am the one that never really has anything nice to say. I am the one lashes out in an argument and burns bridges. I am the one that causes a scene. I feel as I am the problem since I am the common denominator. I've lost so many friends, family member don't include me anymore. No one called for my birthday or my dogs passing besides my best-friend from high school and my boss (not my mother, sister, or cousins, or "friends").

I cant focus anymore enough to get anything accomplished. I feel like I'm dragging everyone and everything down with me. I am a sinking ship. I've never really been suicidal before but think it's inevitable at this point. I'm just tired of hurting people, so tired of this. I know if/when I die it will hurt those I love, but I cant see how my death would be worse than me continually hurting them the rest of my life. At least I wouldn't make things worse than they would be if I were around. So far I've been too chicken, but started thinking about a lot more.

How do you get this never-ending rollercoaster to stop?

This is a letter I wrote to my brother after he had passed. I gave this to him before he was buried.

“I am going to miss you so much. I’m going to miss our weekly phone calls after work. It was something I would look forward to because I couldn’t wait to tell you something or talk about our favorite tv show or a new movie. I’m going to miss laughing with you and being a complete weirdo. Not a lot of people got to see that side of me but you were the very first. You made me feel loved. There is no doubt in my mind or heart that you loved me. I felt it all the time. I am so hurt and heartbroken by your choice to take your life. But I want you to know that I forgive you. I blame depression, heartbreak, and pain. I know that you were going through hell. I know my true authentic brother wouldn’t want to leave us behind. You truly are a good person. I’m often thinking that you are a better person than me. The many relationships you have maintained since you were a little boy, to the kindness you show to a stranger is so much more than I could ever do. I wish you could have seen yourself through everyone’s eyes. You were, are, and will always be loved by many. I really don’t know how I’m going to continue life without you and it hurts so bad imagining you not in it, but I know that life does have to go on and I will try so hard to keep going. We have to keep pushing and living for you. I know that you want us to keep living and I know you don’t want us to hurt - it wasn’t your intention to hurt us. I just hope that some day I will be able to receive peace. Peace for the loss of your life and peace for how you took it. I know that your suicide, suicide attempts, and those last 3 weeks will haunt me for a long time to come, but I hope to have peace some day. I cry as I’m writing this letter because this is something I never wanted to do. I never wanted it to come to this. I know you told me that the pain I would feel when your gone is exactly how you are feeling, and at the time it made me angry and I’m not going to lie I still don’t like it, but I now i understand… and I’m so sad you couldn’t pull out of that darkness. I fought so hard for you and I did everything I knew to do to help you. I knew deep, deep down that you would eventually take your life but it’s still hard to accept… I just want you to know that you were truly the best big brother and I loved you SO much more than any words can describe. I hope you will be able the hear these words from my heart and I hope that someday you will be able to show yourself to me. Show me that you are still with me, I need a sign - maybe show me you a close by giving me goosebumps or as something I can physically see. You can choose. I miss you so much!!! I love you. I can’t wait to hug you and laugh with you again some day. I will be writing you often, so this is not the last time you hear from me - I hope you will be able to hear my words and feel my love in heaven. May you Rest In Peace sweet Brother. “

#Depression #SiblingLoss #Mourning #NationalSuicidePreventionWeek #Death

I’m at the bottom of a dark, deep well. Can anyone hear me? Does anyone care? Moved three times in 2 years, lost my toxic Mom in October, my bully brother is managing her estate & has been bullying me, had an aggressive landlord, a major flood, no heat, moved to a country farmhouse that needed work but due to housing shortage was desparate, got scammed by two contractors working together, they ripped the place apart, discovered it to be uninhabitable and got ran out of town by the landlord, my stuff is in the garage, I am homeless, left my teen living with their Godmother, lived in a motel for a week, left to another country to stay with my grouchy, bitchy husband who has 0 empathy, we finally talked about divorce, now I moved out of there since I can’t sleep, going back to US in April but will still be homeless, feeling totally lost, totally adrift, totally unloved (except for my dog and my teen), feeling like I don’t have what it takes for this modern life and unkind, dishonest people. Trying to stay strong. #erlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #Depression , #Anxiety , #CPTSD , #Mourning , #ChronicPain