Reflection

All this year of 8th grade I was anxious, depressed, and suicidal. Recently however I had my graduation and have decided that I think it’s time for me to begin something new. Since December to my graduation, I was talking to my school social worker who has helped me a lot while my mom is in the process of finding a psychiatrist for me. Since November I was in love with someone who told me he didn’t feel the same way. I respected that but towards the end of the school year, he started dating Olivia. Olivia is someone who played with my feelings all school year and this guy was my best friend. He seen what she does and how she messed with me. I was utterly heartbroken. My family has always been big on our religion especially my dad. He always told me to follow the commandments and everything. Well it made it feel like it was wrong for me to feel that way towards him anymore because it was like coveting my neighbors partner. I was also jealous of Olivia for a long time. I never once seen her with a pimple. She had such perfect skin, and she had such a nice body too. She’s way more developed than I was. On top of that she had a much better relationship with him than anything and I knew he liked her. There was just something that I knew and I knew this would happen. Olivia was messaging me on Snapchat and everything but after a careful and thoughtful conversation with my mom, I blocked her and Amarantha (another person who was a best friend and then backstabbed me, they both did) from Snapchat. I also was trying to think of other people to try to get my mind off the boy I loved. I always wanted to see him happy and now he was even if it hurt. I had to try to get my mind off things. On Snapchat I posted about everything that happened that school year. About me being suicidal and depressed and everything about Olivia and Amarantha and what they did to me. Olivia also wanted to talk to me so I had to unblock her and talked to her. When I was through (I was very calm and collected) she was silent and was sitting in the chat saying nothing, typing nothing. I told her I wished her and him the best and her to have good luck in high school. But I blocked her again and I’m never unblocking her again. Since I blocked her, there’s been a breath of relief. I found another guy that I like, his name is Joaquin. Recently I confessed to Joaquin that I really like him. He said that he’s not really looking for a relationship right now cause he’s trying to improve himself a lot before he find the one he wants to be with. But he said that whenever he’s ready he’d let me know and he said that he also doesn’t want me to wait for him to ruin my chances with another guy. The only problem though is that when I like someone it’s usually just them for a long time. Either way I was so happy he said he’d give me a chance. I haven’t been this happy since before 7th grade. Things have finally been looking up after I thought it’d never get better. Olivia is still dating the other guy but me and him are still best friends. I’m worried she may hurt him because she was targeting me to make me jealous since she seems to be a “mean girl” type. But it seems that things will be fine. I’ll wait for Joaquin too whenever he’s ready and I’ve decided that going into high school is going to be a really good fresh start. My main message here is that don’t lose hope. I’m still struggling. But don’t give up in your life. I was saved by my two best friends from a suicide attempt. But I had to hold on. Now things have been better. I was able to play Tears of the Kingdom and get it for my friend and I was able to see my brother go into 5th grade. I started summer cross country for my high school and have a band meeting tomorrow. But look. I know I’ve probably babbled a lot now about everything but just hold on. Because it’s so worth it. #Depression #Reflection #improving

Welcome the new month with a reflection

#journalprompts #writingprompts #Journaling #Journal #mentalwellness #Reflection

Here are your monthly writing reflection prompts. Feel free to share your responses in the comments 💕

#February #writingprompt #journalprompt #Reflection

There are times when what has been becomes suddenly much more real then usual.
Not as a flashback - they're definitely different - but more like a realization that what's in my memories, in my patterns, in my body and mind has really happened, some time ago in my life.

What surprises me the most is:
I'm not fine, even though I'm better than in previous months and years, but, the hell, compared to before it's like I'm in Heaven.

It doesn't bring me the positivity and mood switch I might expect, it weights the same, most of the times, but it surely helps me redimensioning the whole picture.
I'm grateful, overall, for one thing: now, when I have my crisis, they're still bad and, sometimes, worse than other times years ago, BUT they're crisis: they happen from time to time. (I'm not talking about being on low mood; to me, before, it was much more than that: tentacles slipping out of my head trying to choke me and smash anything inside and around me).
I can feel my mind clean, and, yup, I'm now crying, all of a sudden.

I'd never wanna go back to before.

A week ago I was writing a post I've never shared and, when recalling the bad effects the thing I was talking about had on me, I realized the list was very very long and very very painful and messy.
What makes it often difficult for me to comprehend my patterns and problems is that I tend to hide them, and then forget about them, over the years.

Thing is, there has been terror.
I don't wanna include the details, because I'm aware that for someone they could be not nice.

I shared this picture (search for Riftress on Pinterest, if you're interest - I really like these works) because it is one of the pics I saved back then.
Something have sucked up my own self from my life and I think it was the exhaustion from that period.

Crying helps me too.
If now I'm crying, it means it really has been hard.
Since I tend to hide and minimize, since people shared their issues with me and rarely listened to me, always ignored the signals I was pointing out and since things for me often changed - environmentally speaking - I tend to forget.
To me, now, it feels like I'm based on a void past.
It doesn't mean I'd wanna linger on it: just that in order to understand why I am the way I am today I need to recall.

Times like this one, though, makes me wanna go back that before and erase everything. Why it had to be so damageful.
Again, though, I tend to hide: none really witnessed in person any free expression of my mental state, so, then, it feel more righteous to minimize it. This confuses me.

Though I think it's not fair to compair: the same trauma can have different outcomes on different people; that's why I think crying is helpful -> it spots out the fact that what I'm feeling and thinking about - recalling - has really been a hardship for me.

But it seems impossible that all the dark lump has really left. Did it?
Instead of feeling and expressing itself in dark and full of --- ways*, my mind's just flat. That's the new pattern, I guess.
I've been backfired.
* I don't really feel at ease sharing details, again, but I don't know how to express it.

I still have issues to work on, sometimes - often - I just can take my mind anymore, I often have no energy to live my life, but sure it changed. Time heals.
And I've understood myself and other people better, in the meanwhile, which has been another fundamental turning point.
And I can't express how grateful I am whenever I get to become more aware then before. I love understanding.
So - I still can change and for the better.
There's and I have hope in it.

#Reflection #throwback #Trauma #Crisis #time #Understanding #past #Memory #Pain #cry #Life #mind #pattern #backfired #Healing #Awareness #HealingProcess #exhaustion #Monster #illness #MentalHealth #growing #growth #Present #Hope #change #Grief #Energy

Hi Mighty Ami(e)s!

I am a fan of journaling and am currently working through Rupi Kaur’s Healing Through Words List Poem Exercise. I would love to share this exercise with you & hopefully we can have some loving , supportive moments along the way ❤️. You can find the exercise prompt directly from Kaur’s book below:

A list poem is a poem written in the format of a list. It’s an inventory of people, places, things, or thoughts. The list can be written however you’d like: jot notes, long lines, bullet points, or numbered. A well-written list poem tells you a story through the items it lists.

1. You can use any of the following topics below or create your own:
- Grief
- Anxiety
- Failure
- Shame
- Pain
- Self - doubt
- Hope
- Losing
- Trying
- Friendship
- Love is
- Love isn’t

2. Set a timer for 10-15 minutes (the poem can be as long as you’d like, the key is free writing)

Looking forward to reading and learning more about you & your brave souls ❤️.