Divorced

Today is one of those days. You know the kind. The kind where no matter what people say, look, do cheering up is just not happening. Short of someone telling me, I won the lottery. My total take home amount after taxes is 1 billion dollars, yeah, cheering up is not in the cards. I am not sure how many others are out there who have these days. These days you feel trapped. Since my divorce, I have no car, and no official income. I live with my retired parents and unemployed brother.(I am not sure why he doesn't even try to get a job but I am sure something is wrong with his spirit. He has mental issues of his own too. So, I try to cut him some slack.) I've been applying for menial jobs just to have some stream of income, with absolutely no success. Sure, I am halfway through a data analytics course. I have been working on this for 3 months. However, that brings in no income. On days like this I feel like I have climbed halfway up the depression hole, only to discover I am still at the bottom. All of the climbing you did yesterday was around the hole, not upwards. Also, by the way, the hole gets deeper every day. On days like this, my 100 square foot room feels like a glorified prison. I know I need to cry. I know I feel like this because I am exhausted and weary of the daily wear and tear life puts on us but there is no way to activate the catharsis because I officially have no one who "gets it". I have no one who gets me. I just want someone to give me a call, tell me, "Let's go have some fun. Don't worry I will pay." I want to get you out of the house. I want to get you away from the oppressive life you live with older Christian puritanical judgmental parents and family on watch, an annoying brother who will not get off the couch and bleeding clipped wings that long to escape this mind and body. Yeah, it's one of those days you have to wait it out.

#Depression #depressed #lonely #hopeless #MentalHealth #exhausted #weary #stuck #prison #catharsis #Isolation #Judgement #Escape #Needabreak #Fun #betterdays #Divorced #single #unemployed #noincome #livingwithparents #careerchange #financialstress#waitingforbetterdays

Well, today was the day. I am finally rid of you on paper, and I will no longer have your last name. You abused me in every way. You left me with so much trauma to deal with. So even though I am rid of you on paper, sadly not rid of you like I want to be. You destroyed the person I use to be, I allowed you to. Because I loved you. I loved you more than I loved myself.

It’s insane to me how you could spend 8+ years with someone.. know them inside and out, go through so much shit, and then all in one day, turn to nothing. But that’s just it, I’ve always been nothing to you. And I’ve known that, I just wanted you to love me. I just wanted to be enough for you. You always told me how I made you feel loved, I just wanted to feel that way.

But you had better things to focus on, which was you. You were taking care of you, I was taking care of you. Meanwhile no one was taking care of me. You made me hate who I was. You made me a nobody. You kept me from the people who loved me the most.

In 8 years you made/gave me an alcoholic, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and WORST of all ptsd. For the love of GOD I should have put you in jail when I had the chance, but I loved you. And I forgave you. For everything.. that’s one of the hardest things to do is forgive someone who isn’t sorry.

Now all I want is myself. I want my life back, I don’t want memories. But that’s all I’m stuck with. I will never be the person I was..

I will now be better, stronger.
I’m not sure how I’ll get through this. But I know I will. Because that’s all I know how to do is fight, and survive, except I’ll get to a point where I’ll be living NOT just surviving.

One day you will no longer be in my thoughts, memories. The trauma you caused me will no longer control me. You’ll just fade away.

Until then, I’ll keep fighting.

#RapeSurvivors #PTSD #Anxiety #startingover #Divorced #movingforward #Trying #Goodenough

It’s been about two weeks since he left, but if I’m being completely honest, he was gone long before then. We’ve been trying for nearly two decades, since the time I left my mother’s home. We had four children really young, and we’ve struggled to find a happy balance in our relationship for the duration of our time together.

We failed each other. And while I know that the fault rests with us both, I can’t help but feel as though he failed me. For years, I tried to be the wife he wanted, the woman he needed, and for years, I never measured up. He didn’t believe I’d ever be enough for him, and so I finally gave up, finally told him to leave then, and he did.

He’s back at his mother’s place. He’s nearing forty, and every time he comes to pick up the kids for a visit, he can’t help but gush how good he has it now. His mom takes care of his every need and his money can finally grow.

And yet, I’m left raising four teenagers alone, wondering who the hell am I? I’ve tried for so long to be the perfect wife, the best woman for him, that I’m not even sure who I am anymore. Alone. Forgotten. Hollow. Empty.

I sure hope this passes soon.

Xx

#Trauma #Therapy for #PTSD 1st time really “ready” to open up with #Psychiatrist at 37 #childhoodtrauma #abuse #neglect #fearofabandonment #psychologicalabuse from a father that I would describe as #CharlesManson with a #TheBible in one hand and #Alcoholism in the other. In addition to a family that #rejected me completely so much so that on both sides of my #Divorced #Family I had rules that if I walked in the room within one minute all of my cousins had to leave my #physical presence because I was just #different but never had #behavioral #Problems just major misunderstandings and what seemed like a lot of #bad luck because of the many #Labels that seem to get stuck to me throughout the years in public #Education . So I was sent to live #alone with my #Father at 11 on a #cult like farm with no access to the outside world (no modern technology including TV, Radio or Phone) and he #brainwashed me as a #Child to never speak to anyone or they would lock me up and throw away the key or call me a liar and ignore me completely. So I have major #Trust #issues and have no clue where to begin when I see my #Therapist via video this week. I also have #ADHD with a #mind that is #hyper #creative and #super analytical seems like a #Gift and #Curse when expressing my #Thoughts and #Emotions #help #Advice #ParanoidThoughts

So here I am, the end of what I'm thinking of as day one. In reality, it's about the 5th Day 1 I've had since this all started 5 months ago, so I'm not sure what is different. Other than it feels different. I have support I didn't have the last times. I have a plan - to make myself right. Nothing else. I need to get right with my family- even my soon to be ex wife. I need to get right with my job, I've been neglecting duties for far too long. I need to get right with my friends- I don't have many, and don't want to lose those. and I need to get right with the Lord. So here's to day 1- may it last into many, many more!
#Addiction #Depression #SuicidalThoughts #Divorced

#CheerMeOn