psychological abuse

I know many people have experienced this. Some of us experience it more than once. Betrayal, unfortunately, is common. But its frequency, its commonality, never makes it easier for the individuals going through it.

However, I feel betrayed and deceived. I’m not sure which one feels worse. The one that is just the other person’s doing, or the one that involves myself not “picking up on the signs.” I’m very angry at the other person. But I’m disappointed in myself. And we know what’s often said about disappointment, it’s worse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intensely disappointed in the other person. But the disappointment in myself hits differently, even if it’s technically not as intense.

I will be…I mean, I am being gentle with myself. I know the advice. I know it’s not my fault. I can forgive myself for what I didn’t know; for not having the tools or ability yet to prevent what happened. I was naive, which isn’t a “sin.” It’s just a state most of spend some time in early on in our lives. (Unfortunately, sometimes it comes with great consequences. So maybe I should just be mad at the “universe,” or “fate,” or something.)

I will be okay. I will heal eventually. I will end up with more peace of mind than I’ve experienced probably since birth, and have always desperately wanted. I greatly look forward to that. And, at this point in my life and development, I will know how to keep it.

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(Suddenly, I am finding more of MY words again)

#artastherapy #Writing #expression #Relationships #Abuse #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #CPTSD #Grief #MentalHealth #MightyTogether #Healing

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I’m watching the Jimmy Savile documentary. As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse myself, the thing that intrigues me is how many signs there can be about a person, and even more shockingly, how often society ignores such red flags.

As an example, I reported our garden landscaper to child services for endangering his children some years ago. He had brought his young child to work on our property with an open industrial cutting blade in operation… and as we later found without any insurance. I was deeply uneasy about the child essentially working on our property and eventually my husband asked him to take his kid home because though he was ‘spending time with dad’, he was also doing so unsupervised and anything could have gone wrong. When it became clear that he had no intention of completing our garden, I started to gather screenshots from his social media to pass on to the authorities as evidence. It was then that I found pictures of both kids from when they were even younger regularly ‘helping dad with work’. He even bragged about one of them getting better with their garden skills, amd that is when I decided to raise my concerns with child protective services.

Because if I know one thing to be true; whatever questionable material someone is willing to post online, is the merely tip of the iceberg in terms of what they’re actually willing to do, or have done.

In our guy’s case it turned out money laundering, was also something he was willing to engage in—yet he isn’t in prison or on probation, he’s out there possibly looking to line up the next victim because I think conmen seldom know how to do anything other than con. Manson, Bundy, Zodiac, Madoff, Ponzi, Delvey, Holmes, Shkreli, Epstein, Maxwell, and Savile are all united in the sense that the accumulation of power and a desire to wield the hammer of power is at the heart of all acts of abuse. As the saying goes: absolute power, corrupts absolutely.

Though our conman has been reported via the appropriate channels, the wheels of justice in a country that is supposedly a first world nation, move painfully slow. And I’ve learned by baptism of fire, that the wheels won’t move at all unless you make enough noise—in my case I was forced to act as an unofficial coordinator amongst the victims at the urging of government agencies. Had I not used up my own time in this manner, the case against this person would have never amounted to anything at all.

And yet this is just a straightforward case of a cowboy builder… which begs the question of what hope do the victims of physical crimes stand? Or worse, those that are so vulnerable, that they cannot defend themselves?

Whether it is sexual, physical, psychological, emotional or financial abuse, it seems to me that there are always enablers.

For Jimmy Savile it was the BBC, the media, and his connection to public figures such as the Royal Family to all manner of celebrities, that likely stopped the CPS from investigating him several times throughout his career. For my conman I had every ‘bloke’s bloke’ in the village tell me off for “ruining” this man’s livelihood , including many verbally abusive messages from one of his mates undoubtedly with the intention of intimidating me. And yet I was not the one who had chosen to defraud members of our village to the tune of over £50,000, though I’m sure the true figure is likely much higher. And so many people who I got in touch with, told me that they’d simply written their financial loss off as a bad experience.

Here is where I take issue. For if every person before me had reported this man, chances are he would not have been free to continue his grift for as long as he did. And, it seems people don’t give much thought to elderly people who if conned, cannot simply go out and earn more money—they go without basic things like food and heating during the winter. Which in my mind to have contributed in any way toward the suffering of another is frankly unconscionable, even if the link is not direct, our failure to act on knowledge is to enable someone.

For my part I wish every person who looked the other way, was were forced to wear a Cone of Silence for upholding the Code of Silence that goes hand in hand with all instances of harmful conduct. If I witness a crime, flee the scene, and refuse to give testimony, then I would be perverting the course of justice (a fitting, yet unintentional pun).

This is not to say that the person committing the crime is not solely to blame for their actions, or to shame the victims. I’m saying that for every Jimmy Savile; there is at the very least one person who knew something and failed to do anything about it. The look the other way mentality that allows many abusers the freedom to keep abusing.

Abusers do not truly act alone, the Code of Silence becomes their co-conspirator and in my opinion those who areof sane mind who enable abuse of any kind should be held to account for their silence. And we as a collective society set the stage for perpetrators to more easily get away with abuse by upholding idioms and credos like “bro code”, “snitches get stitches”, “don’t tattletale”, “what was she wearing”, “stay in your own lane”, and that festering old chestnut “it’s a family issue”.

It is for this reason in my opinion; that as long as society continues to justify looking the other way in this manner, abuse will be here to stay.

#Abuse #AbuseSurvivors #DomesticAbuse #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #SexualAbuseSurvivors #SexualAbuse #ChildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #Trauma

I’m new here and wanted to say hi. The chair in the photo represents how I feel when I’m down and not doing good.

#Depresion #Anxiety #CPTSD #Aspergers #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #religious Trauma #Workplace Trauma #significant childhood trauma #ChildhoodAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #Rejection #Selfhate #hopelessness #Loss #selfsabotage

I havent posted something in a while. I dont want to bore you with my whole story. Just know, that I have a long road behind and that my recovery is taking long. I am making a lot of progress and I am thankful for it.

But right now, life sucks. I am frustated, sad, angry, desprate, numb, aggitated and so on. I ve had suicidal thoughts before but I havent had them in a while. (Dont worry, I am in contact with my therapist and she knows how I am). I am really struggling with them these last couple of days and it doesnt seem to get better.

I know how to manage my depression moods, my anxiety and my eating disorder and I am using those strategies. It just feels like they dont help as good as they did previously. And this sucks. Its tiring me out.

I feel tired. I feel exhausted. I really want to get better and stay on the path of recovery. But right now every other way would be easier to go (dysfunctional behaviors).

Maybe its part of recovery but I dont know how much more I can endure.
#AnorexiaNervosa #Depression #RecurrentDepression #EatingDisorders #ChronicPain #PTSD #Anxiety #Flashbacks #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse

My wife just blew up at me. We need to communicate better, she said. She has a habit of telling me what negative thoughts I am thinking and feeling, and then adding, "well am I wrong?" to it. This is years in the making. Essentially, it happens when she asks me a question or tells me about something, and my tone of voice sounds negative to her, or my face or body language looks negative.

I have chronic pain as well as deep depression, so it is difficult for me to convincingly put on a happy face, or speak with joy in my voice. But I do try my best to speak in neutral tones at the very least, and I have thought that I have a resting face of a neutral mood or higher as much as possible.

It has been building for a long time. I am struck out of the blue most times when she tells me what I am thinking, and how unfair that is, and paints me as the bad guy and her as the innocent one. In the early days, it would just shock me, and sometimes confuse me. In the last couple of years, it just makes me angry and defensive. We've had plenty of arguments about it, but no agreement. She doesn't see it as mind reading because she says "I 'feel like' you were disgusted by what I just said, and you shouldn't be", or "I 'feel' that you think I'm stupid just because I did X, or Y". She says since she uses the word "feel", she isn't mind reading, and so it's up to me to tell her if she's right or wrong. Well, I have been telling her she's wrong for over 40 years now, and that only makes her angry and defensive. I told her time and again that I get mad when people try to read my mind and put words into my mouth. I tell her to skip saying the part about what she is so sure that I am thinking, and just ASK ME what I am thinking, instead. Ninety percent of the time, I am not only NOT thinking what she thinks I am, but I am thinking about some other subject altogether. Then when she accuses me of thinking some negative thing, it hits me out of the blue, and I register it as an insult. I asked her why she can't just ASK me what I am thinking, or ask me how I am feeling. I would welcome both of those if they were honest questions. I would feel like I was cared about. That makes perfect sense to me, but she doesn't see it that way. She says that she's just being honest, and that she IS asking me how I feel, or what I am thinking, when she tells me what she feels like I am thinking. We can't get past that. So she got louder and more accusatory, and then angrily walked out.

I don't know what to do. I am battling Major Depressive Disorder, CPTSD, Anxiety, ADHD and severe Chronic Pain. I am doing the very best that I can. I am on disability, and I fill my days and evenings reading books on my various diagnoses, learning as much as I can, so that I can better control, or adapt, or adjust to the reality of my life, and I do feel good about that. I have tried to share some of this with her, both verbally, and by sharing articles with her via email. She seems stand-offish about it, at best. When I ask her outright if she wants to learn more, she swears she does, but she has a life, therefore she just doesn't have the time or energy to read much about it. I told her a few minutes ago that I will stop burdening her with it, and will stop sending her articles and such. She rebuffed that idea, but added again that she just doesn't have the time. She said she is doing the best that she can in trying to deal with all my problems, and she doesn't have the energy or the will to do it any more. She's "had it."

She came back and brought up another time recently that I was unreasonable, saying that she had told me something about her job, and I had reacted with sarcasm and disgust. I remember it well. It was just the opposite. She told me that her employer was giving $50 bonuses to anyone who got a Covid booster shot, and I responded "wow, that must be nice. Go ahead and do that." She and I both agree that that's all that I said. But she says I was being sarcastic, and spit the words out like venom, and I thought it was disgusting. I remember calmly saying those words, genuinely happy for her to get $50 just for getting a shot that we both were going to get anyway. The difference, more than likely, was the fact that during the time that she was unwinding after work and telling me bonus, as well as about the rest of her day, I was in a pit of depression, and I was in a ton of physical pain from my legs and my back. I know that had to have affected the tone of my voice, the look on my face, and my body language. But I don't talk about the pain, because it would sound whiney and redundant. I was just sitting there listening to her, and I thought I answered appropriately and honestly. Anyway, that night, after I had answered her, she responded by telling me what (she believed) I was thinking and feeling, and she wanted to know what my response was. My response was "that's not an argument I am willing to have right now." To me, I was angry that "it" was happening again, and I could argue about it like so many times before, or I could choose not to. I chose not to argue. To her, I had just insulted her, and said she isn't worth arguing with, and since I had not argued, then what she had thought about me must indeed be true.

If (and when) she "reads my mind" again, and assigns various negative thoughts and feelings to me, we could bypass all of this trouble if she could just hold those 'mind-read thoughts' inside, and just ask me two simple questions, instead. First, "how are you feeling?" And second, "what are you tinking." I will gladly and honestly answer her. But I just can't take any more veritable accusations for thinking and feeling certain ways, and then be expected to explain or defend myself, meanwhile letting it roll off me like water off of a duck's back. It's not an argument I'm having anymore.

Thanks for listening.
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#MajorDepressiveDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #CPTSD #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Anxiety #ADHD #Autism #BodyFocusedRepetitiveBehaviors #PathologicalDemandAvoidanceSyndrome #AutismSpectrumDisorders #TreatmentresistantDepression #TRD #ASD #anhedonia #ChronicDepression #ChronicPain #SpinalStenosis #GAD #Sadness #CombinedPresentationADHD #SmilingDepression #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disability #MentalHealth #Insomnia #DiabetesType2 #Diabetes #Asthma #Hypertension #Hypervigilance #nerveandjointpain #HearingLoss #Grief #generationaltrauma #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #TraumaRecovery #Trauma #ChildhoodTraumaSurvivors #MedicalTrauma #IntergenerationalTrauma #Trauma #SexualTrauma #traumasurvivor #Survivor #EmotionalAbuse #ChiildhoodSexualAbuse #ChildhoodEmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PTSD #AdverseChildhoodExperiences #ChildhoodAbuse #ReactiveAttachmentDisorder #RAD #attachment #Childhoodneglect #attachmentdisorder #ChildAbuseandNeglect #FearOfAbandonment #abandonment #Suicide #SuicideLossSurvivors #SuicidalThoughts #SuicidalIdeation #PassiveSuicidalIdeation #suicidal #Depression #MajorDepression

#Anxiety #Agoraphobia #AbsenceSeizures
#CPTSD #ChronicAnxiety #ChronicDepression #ChronicHeadaches #ChronicPain #ChronicMigraines #Depression #DissociativeDisorder #Disability #DomesticAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Emetophobia #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #fearofjudgement #FearOfVomiting #fearofoutside #Gaslighting
#Hatemyself #limbweakness #mentalabuse #PsychologicalAbuse #physicalabuse #PhysicalTherapy #PsychogenicNonepilepticSeizures #SeizureDisorder #SuicidalThoughts #SpeechImpediment #SexualAssaultSurvivors

I was going to write a long share regarding my journey and victory over my spouse’s #EmotionalAbuse and #PsychologicalAbuse . Our lives are all so unique, so complex. I thought it would be most appropriate to share this picture of words that might give us all strength, wherever we are on our journeys.
Know that we are worth giving ourselves love, compassion, care, respect.
Darkness blinds us from the light, but, yes, amazing lessons sprout from that darkness. I SURVIVED! I didn’t know how to find myself but I was determined to do so, someday. Decades of intense pain later, here I am! A survivor! A fighter! Strength, trust, faith in myself.
My journey has been amazing. I keep myself open to learning.’ Golden nuggets of wisdom can shine when you least expect it. Keep talking and sharing with people you trust. The human connection is powerful.
Stay connected to The Mightiest! We are all in this TOGETHER,m🤩🥰

#Giggles 🤭
#laughteristhebestmedicine 🤣😂
#Friends

#Anxiety #Agoraphobia #Abuse #Amnesia #CPTSD #ChronicDepression #ChronicHeadaches #ChronicPain #Disability #DomesticAbuse #DissociativeDisorder #EmotionalAbuse #Emetophobia #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #fearoffailure #FearOfAbandonment #fearofjudgement #Gaslighting #Hatemyself #MovementDisorders #nonepilepticseizures #PsychologicalAbuse #physicalabuse #PhysicalTherapy #AbsenceSeizures #SeizureDisorder #SuicidalThoughts #SexualAssault

#Anxiety #Agoraphobia #Abuse
#AbsenceSeizures
#CPTSD #ChronicDepression #ChronicHeadaches #ChronicMigraines #ChronicPain #ChronicAnxiety #Depression #DissociativeDisorder #Disability #DomesticAbuse #Emetophobia #EmotionalAbuse #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #FearOfAbandonment #fearofjudgement #fearoffailure
#Gaslighting #Hatemyself #Migraines #MovementDisorders #mentalabuse
#PsychogenicNonepilepticSeizures #physicalabuse #PsychologicalAbuse #PhysicalTherapy #PTSD #Seizures #SuicidalThoughts #SexualAssault
#SpeechImpediment