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For the New Year..
I made no resolutions, but I am trying to resolve, to reconcile with my oldest daughter who has chosen to estrange/alienate us. I don’t know, or understand why.
This is a letter I recently sent her and my attempts are in vain. It hurts me to think that for her life, what time she has left (she has Stage 4 metastatic cancer) we, most likely will never speak again. At least, when I die, I’ll know, I tried.
-I apologize if I ever did a wrong to you. I tried to be a good parent. I did the best I could, with what I knew, with what I had. Perhaps, I’d been over protective at times, perhaps not enough at other times.
I feel like I’m enough. I somehow think you always wanted me to be more.You wanted me to be different somehow.
I thought we did a good job raising you. We’re not perfect. I do consider you a successful adult. You had a great career, a great work ethic, you’re honest, you have friends, and a great husband in _____, you’re generous with your resources and you give as a volunteer for charitable causes.These are positive attributes about you. Is that because you had such a traumatic upbringing because we were your parents?!
At some point in time, I put many of the resentments and unresolved issues with my own parents aside. I tried very hard to forgive them because it helped free me to have a better more adult relationship with my parents. I think I finally stopped blaming my folks for being their imperfect selves after I became a parent.
I realized that my parents were not to blame for all the traumas I went through as a child. These are different for everyone. We all take different figurative paths in life, and in time. I believe life is too short to hold grudges against loved ones for what I perceive as their shortcomings or mistakes.
On our trip to Vermont, we both said things we can’t take back..It took awhile for me to recover from that trip, mentally and emotionally.
I know the myriad of boundaries, you tried to establish.They’ve become a wall now. You’ve walled us out of your life. We don’t understand your behavior or what we’ve done to elicit that behavior. I wonder why you would take people you’d known your whole life, those willing to try and be a support, those who Love you, and cast them out of your life?
I believe we only have control over our own actions and reactions in response to the people places and things in the world. We don’t however, have control over the people, places and things. Sometimes, if we’re ill we might not even have basic body control, or control of our reactions and responses.The loss of that I’ve seen in several loved ones.
I Love You, even if there’s no return or reply, even if my thoughts are not appreciated, wanted,or read. In the past, I thought we had a decent relationship, as your parents and even as friends.
From my side,the proverbial door, always remains open…
Love,
Mom
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